Upon Realisation

(#nowplaying: The whole of Dirt and Grace album – Hillsong United)

Everyone gets down every once in a while. Well, it seems highly unlikely to see someone who is happy 24/7. Unless they’re faking it.

I get this moment often.

When you sit on the corner of your room, thinking if you have any purpose in life all. If everything you do, sacrifice, actually means something for you. You felt empty. You tried your best to fill with anything, everything you could get your hands on: work, pleasure, church. Only to find out that you come in an even worse place than before. You’re stuck. Between uncertainty and loneliness.

I have no one to blame but myself.

Stifling tears were never easy. But I’d have to. At least, until I get home. Faced with another level of indescribable sadness. Questioning life it’s one habit of mine I could never seem to erase, no matter how hard I try not to. Overthinking. Sometimes an actual stress-related headache does come from that thought itself.

I recall saying to my parents that I am gonna make them proud someday. The sole reason I want to is because I don’t want to burden them with anymore financial situation to put through if I ended up enrolling in private university. Also for one reason or another I couldn’t tell here. The idea of me becoming a disgrace to the family after I graduate from college because I fail lingers through my mind constantly. The feeling when reality doesn’t exceed expectation, not even coming close, I can’t bear with it.

That’s exactly what it is right now. I hate being a failure. I mean, who doesn’t? Nowadays, I find myself struggling without an anchor. I desperately need God. I cannot do this alone. I am aware for a fact that God doesn’t make me without a purpose. But I haven’t found mine. Honestly, I don’t know when.

Comparison is the thief of happiness. Expectation is the root of all disappointments. I remember these two quotes at the back of my head, yet this is everything I’ve been doing.

Ironic, how I freshly preached about making a personal connection with God to replace the temporary joy this world brings, with His everlasting love this morning, simply to deliver the news in which department I am lacking badly.

Someday. Of course I do believe this storm will pass. Maybe in a week, 6 months, or up to 5 years, who knows? This the perfect time to surrender to God. Standing at the edge of the cliff, waiting for Him to take me wherever He thinks is the best to discover my purpose. Trying my best not to mess up. Incessantly pray, read devotions, praise Him, while I wait of His calling.

Please wish me good luck.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” — Romans 12:2

Till next time, 

C