Reality Check

Raw.

Some people are afraid to show the real them to the world. They are afraid to be judged for their insecurities, or things that might seem petty to others. But, I’m here to show people otherwise.

Let’s talk about my worries.

I have a very bad anxiety. It’s not exactly rocket science, though sometimes I do wander if I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I never go to a psychologist to be diagnosed, and frankly, I felt like the stigma arounds mental health is still yet to be broken. It does bother with my day to day activity, I get anxiety attacks a lot, yes, it does make my mind go crazy, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t know how.

As if having that is not enough, I also think about my existence from time to time. Existential crisis, they say. I shivers a lot when I think about it, and to tell you the truth, it was the number one reason why I used to stop going to church. I am so scared. I am so scared thinking what might happen ahead of me, even the thought of it makes me shivers so bad. Thinking about the afterlife, what happens if I die, is life really eternal, reincarnation and all that jazz.

It first happens on 8th grade. Then, the anxiety seems to be even worse after that. Right now, I always try my best to take off my mind, but they seem to be coming out of nowhere. It’s better now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t experience it anymore. I still do, and it’s really scary. Living with anxiety is super scary.

Other than existential crisis, a lot of things spread from that. You get sad for no reason, or depressed, thinking about what you have been doing in your life and if you have any purpose in life at all.

“Am I doing something right, right now?” “What would my 24 year old me say seeing me in such state?” “Why are you so desperate and out of it?” and so on.

Society thinks we are overreacting and it’s just a phase, but it’s not. I have had it for 5 years, did you think it could go away by itself? No. I wish it could, but it couldn’t.

I am afraid. I am very afraid. Of keeping this talk real. But I have to get it off my chest. I can’t suffer alone anymore. It’s tiring. It suffocates you.

I know I have too many worries. But I couldn’t help it. Sometimes I think I’m too complicated to understood. And in some ways, it’s true.

I’ve been praying to God to seek some answers, and I haven’t gotten it yet. I am not giving up though. Living with anxiety every day kills you. I am not ashamed of it. In fact, I am tired of getting bombarded by these thoughts internally. And I believe the are people who feels like me too.

I mean,

A lot of people need to be aware. Like, it’s not just small things like worrying if I could go to a prestigious university or not, it’s a lot more than that.

It’s a battle within yourself.

Sleepless Nights

Bulan lima.

Sudah lima bulan berlalu di tahun 2017. Banyak kenangan indah, banyak juga masalah menghadang. Hidup jadi lebih sulit, lebih real. Makin banyak konflik sana-sini, sampai rasanya mau kontrol perasaan aja susah.

Tapi, setelah semua itu, aku yakin ini saatnya aku percaya diri dan membuka sudut pandang baru dalam hidup.

Dibalik apa yang orang-orang katakan tentang aku, pasti semua belum tentu benar, manusia ga pernah sesederhana itu. Kita makhluk yang sangat amat kompleks, bisa dibilang kita itu dinamis, selalu berubah-ubah.

It’s quite impossible to judge someone completely without actually being themselves.

Ya, begitulah. Sekarang aku sudah menjadi alumni. Lulus SMA. Perasaannya? Senang banget. Tapi, kalau boleh jujur, aku berasa conflicted sih, asides from feeling unfulfilled and disappointed. Aku masih merasa bahwa sekolah ga bisa membuka semua potensiku, and doing the one job it was supposed to do the most: facilitate.

Emang, lebih banyak sedihnya daripada senengnya disini. Jadi, selama 18 tahun hidup, aku banyak belajar. Kalau seringkali, hidup itu ga seperti apa yang kita mau. Aku kadang masih suka sedih kalau sadar I can do better. Berandai-andai apa jadinya hidup kalau aku ga bikin kesalahan pilihan, yang kadang berujung fatal.

Beranjak dewasa, aku mulai sadar kalau kehidupan ini ga seindah yang aku bayangin dulu. Lo harus bisa suck it up, be professional, and most of the time, put aside your feelings and handle your priorities right. Susah ga? Banget.

Namanya manusia, pasti punya perasaan lah. Apalagi gue orangnya susah banget move on. Bukan dalam konotasi cinta, tapi lebih ke sakit hati dan kegagalan.

Cuman, yaudah, waktu itu ga bisa diulang lagi kan. Setelah dipikir-pikir, ga ada gunanya juga bahas-bahas yang sudah berlalu. Harus fokus sama yang ada di depan mata.

Untuk sekarang, hal itu adalah: PTN.

I have a big dream. People say, if you wanna dream, you gotta dream big.

Ini udah mimpi dari lama banget sebenarnya, but I’ve only realised it now. Dulu, pas SMP, aku pengen banget banget banget di swasta. Ga mau negeri. Terus, SMA datang, dan serasa negara api menyerang. Aku sadar aku pengennya SMAN. Udah coba berbagai cara buat pindah, tapi mungkin jalan Tuhan, ga pernah bisa.

So, again, I suck it up. All the dramas, the ups and the downs, the hardships, to come back even stronger than before.

I picked myself up from the bottom of the pit to walk towards the beautiful journey ahead.

Tiga tahun berasa sangat panjang, dan sakit luar biasa. Tapi akhirnya aku bebas. Semenjak itu, aku sadar untuk tidak underestimate diri sendiri so much dan berjuang meraih cita-citaku yang belum kesampaian.

Target aku sekarang masuk UI. One of the many reasons why is aku pengen buktiin ke orang – orang kalau aku juga bisa sukses. Bersama dengan Tuhan penyemangatku. I want to shove it down to people’s faces that I am able to win this fight with my achievements.

But most of all, I want to make myself happy.

Yes, myself, not anybody else. I don’t need everyone else’s approval to be happy.

Sebuah mimpi yang besar, tentu diiringi dengan tekanan yang besar juga. Seringkali aku diam dan berpikir, mungkin ga sih? Apalagi aku bukan siapa-siapa, dan perjuangan aku itu sering sering sering sering sering dan sering banget, sampai ga bisa dihitung, berakhir sia-sia. Aku ga pengen punya mimpi yang tinggi hanya untuk jatuh dan merasakan realita yang sangat pahit. Tapi di sisi lain, aku juga ga mau menyerah (walaupun udah stress banget tiap hari kepikiran).

Aku merasa ini adalah cara terakhir untuk membuktikan segalanya. Kalau hasil tidak akan mengkhianati usaha. At least, aku berusaha menyakini itu. Aku yakin kita bisa sukses kalau mau berusaha, dan Tuhan tidak pernah tidur. Ia selalu mendengar doa hamba-Nya.

Hari ini 8 hari menjelang SBMPTN. 8 hari menuju tes yang akan menentukan segalanya. Semoga these sleepless nights count for something. Apapun yang bakal terjadi nanti, aku udah siap menerimanya dengan lapang dada, letting it all go to God. Tuhan tau apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Have a big faith. Our God is more than able.

No more tears. No more disappointments. The best is yet to come.

Cheers,

To fresh start and new beginnings 🙂