Opening Up

People always expect me to be fine just because I serve in church and that must mean I have no problems in life anymore right? Wrong.

I still struggle everyday. Just because I didn’t say it out loud that it means there’s nothing going wrong in my life. I’m so tired being called weak by people that don’t understand. They didn’t know what I’m struggling with. It was always more than self-image issues. People don’t understand that what they said, or did, could impact hugely impact others even when they didn’t realise it.

People always have the tendencies to make others feel shitty. Myself included. Like it’s not enough bringing down my self-confidence, they go through all lengths just to make sure I feel so worthless about myself. And after all the other problems that I have and have had, they made it sound like I couldn’t be sad because there are others who have it worse than me, which is true. But it doesn’t mean that my feelings need to be suppressed. And the funniest thing is, I kept up others’s secrets so well, but it’s really easy to tell them my own. Even if I know I’m just going to be hurt again and again. But I still did anyway.

I know that I should be happy that this high school drama is gonna be over, which means one of my main problems in life would go away in itself, but along with that, another problem always managed to come through. I tried to be positive about things, but it wasn’t enough. It never was. Now I just felt like I have let down everyone.

I never said that I wasn’t wrong. But even if I self-blamed, it was never enough. People always stepped down on me like I was nothing. And it’s really hard to redefine your self worth when you barely have any to begin with.

I am not targeting anyone in particular. I am just tired knowing that this problem (along with other ones) always revolves around in circle, always about this particular thing that could never be solved. I am tired of being the only one who’s fighting alone in the dark. Everyone else left so easily. They don’t even try. Especially this one person. He was supposed to be someone I could lean on. But he makes me feel shitty all the time. Doesn’t he realise why I’ve become like this in the first place? I was starting to be optimistic around him, but that’s it. It’s like speaking to wall. He will never change. It’s saddening because we’re bound together. There’s no way we could be separated, even if I want to. And that’s just one person. How about the others I’ve been fighting aimlessly for?

I didn’t want to give up. It’s been how many years, already? But things like this makes me question why I am even fighting in the first place. I am going back to square one again. I can’t handle it. I don’t even know what I’m fighting for, what I’m living for.I am a huge mess.

And I am afraid that’s all I ever be.

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