Bad Habits

 Hey guys.

Today is the last day of June. Thank God I’ve mustered all my willpower to finally write a blog post (yes, to keep up my promise of updating at least once a month, which is imho very hard to do lmao) at 2 freaking am in the morning.

A lot of life updates here, y’all.

1 month has passed by quickly, and there are a lot of things I can’t wait to tell you.

First was camp. It was my last camp in JPCC Youth, of course I still could attend but probably as a volunteer since I graduated this year. God gave me so many big chances: I stood as an MC, sang, became the house captain, shoot videos and lastly, preached for five minutes. God’s grace has shown to be very true since I didn’t really prepare much for my “five minutes preaching“, like literally writing it two days before camp when you are given three weeks deadline. I ended up having trouble sleeping for two nights at camp and kept on changing the drafts, even until the very end. I got so little sleep that I ended up oversleeping thus missing the youth battle moments. But still, not really regretting it since I wasn’t that excited. HAHA getting old aren’t I?

Thankfully I managed to preach without feeling nervous, mostly speaking in impromptu, eventually the notes I’ve written an hour before going up remained untouched. This is so me to be honest, I always felt nervous and incapable before going up stage, but I don’t feel any stage frights after I went up on stage, I enjoyed every bit of it. In the end, I ended having a sore throat on camp that speaking on stage became difficult, and I have to find replacement because I volunteered the next day (what happened to my stamina lol).

For the past few weeks before my SBMPTN announcement, my anxiety creeped back, it was really bad that I couldn’t sleep nor eat properly, and it got to the point where it drove me crazy, even when I was binge-watching Produce 101 late at night. The attacks always come in the most random of times, but it has quite calmed down now. As for the result for the announcement, I opened SIMAK UI’s result on camp, remember when I say I overslept? I ended up staying at the villa until its time for the selection’s announcement.

And yeah, I didn’t get in.

It hurt a lot at first, since frankly, I was rejected by UI 4 times. The rejection struck deeply, but now I am more accepting about it, I guess. My path is not there anymore, and being persistent about it won’t change anything. God has laid out another beautiful plan for me, I got into Public Relations major in UNPAD through SBMPTN. Well, I was happy, this was not what I originally intended, but deep down I have always known that I was going to get this. I don’t know why, my instincts keep telling me that. Should that His will be done. Besides, it such a shame that I wasted more than 1 million rupiahs trying to get into UI, when, well, what happened, happened. Just gotta move forward, right?

Now, I felt grateful because I know not a lot of people could get into PTN, the probability is like 14%, so I didn’t want to blame God or anything. Knowing me, I am a very indecisive person. I remember wanting to go study abroad and ended up choosing to take PTN instead because I want to help my parents. At least I have accomplished that. I did sacrifice a lot of things to ease their burdens, so I hope I could help them and make them proud this time. I have a big dream you know, plus I could always search for scholarships in my uni, Korean scholarships, to be exact, and I have to work hard to achieve that dream.

Regarding me moving to Bandung, I am actually very happy with this turnout of events. I know I have to leave a lot of things behind and start anew, but this is what’s the best for me. Because honestly, I prayed to God that I wanted to have a fresh beginning in life, while not having to worry about everything too much, and this is God’s answer for me. I moved out from home but still feels close to home (c’mon, Bandung isn’t even far okay) so I am very excited, but also super nervous. Lets just see how it went though, I am pretty sure I could survive the college life after 12 years of complicated school dramas. This is exactly what I needed right now. In order to grow, we have to take a big step sometimes. Take risks, challenges, test yourself, because believe me, we are more than able. I still get scared about a lot of things in life, but we have to move forward, being anxious over things won’t get you anywhere, it doesn’t solve your problems either, so I figured that it’s pointless and I should tackle the problem head down. Everything is going to be okay. It always is.

Another important life update is I have been getting obsessed with Produce 101 lately. Or K-Pop, in more general terms. I was so busy in high school that I kinda lost interest in K-Pop, but now that I am as free as a bird, I’ve been channeling my inner K-Pop vibes harder than ever. I get easily bored, so I wonder how could I survive loving K-Pop for 8 years, but I did anyway, so yeah, I could never part away. It’s like a black hole gurl.

I spent the early days of vacation to stan NCT (go watch NCT Live if you haven’t!!!!), when I told myself I wasn’t gonna stan anymore groups, too many for me, but indeed, I fell into the trap again. I’ve been loving NCT and GOT7, as well as yeah, my newest obsession, WANNA ONE. Seriously though I need to stop fangirling. I even opened up my twitter account again after like, 3/4 years? Better get use of that opportunity wisely. You guys should really watched Produce 101 btw. Now, I don’t really care if people called me weird with loving K-Pop, they gave me happiness and I never regretted loving it. Not even once. So, let me go back and spazz WANNA ONE (if you’re wondering, my bias is Kang Daniel at the moment, pls hope I am loyal because its hard stanning too many biases at once orz) on social medias.

I am doing all things that make me happy nowadays. To the point of having little to no sleep, there were times where I only slept for an hour then binging it every time I can, mostly in the car or taking long naps after my schedule is done (now I know how Idols must have been feeling, the mood-swings are seriously real, how could they function normally despite that will forever be the greatest mystery of all time). Likewise, I am planning to go to South Korea this year. That’s why I’ve been working hard to mastering my Korean knowledge and dieting (motivation at its best). I once told myself if I were to go abroad, the first stamp on my passport would be South Korea. I held true for that promise for years and I sincerely hope that it could finally be coming true 🙂

Lastly, I have a dream of working there. I know it’s not impossible and I know I can do it. I have been self-taught learning Korean and making use the most of holidays to do something productive so support me guys? I love you all and see you on my next blog post!

Love,

C.

Reality Check

Raw.

Some people are afraid to show the real them to the world. They are afraid to be judged for their insecurities, or things that might seem petty to others. But, I’m here to show people otherwise.

Let’s talk about my worries.

I have a very bad anxiety. It’s not exactly rocket science, though sometimes I do wander if I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I never go to a psychologist to be diagnosed, and frankly, I felt like the stigma arounds mental health is still yet to be broken. It does bother with my day to day activity, I get anxiety attacks a lot, yes, it does make my mind go crazy, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t know how.

As if having that is not enough, I also think about my existence from time to time. Existential crisis, they say. I shivers a lot when I think about it, and to tell you the truth, it was the number one reason why I used to stop going to church. I am so scared. I am so scared thinking what might happen ahead of me, even the thought of it makes me shivers so bad. Thinking about the afterlife, what happens if I die, is life really eternal, reincarnation and all that jazz.

It first happens on 8th grade. Then, the anxiety seems to be even worse after that. Right now, I always try my best to take off my mind, but they seem to be coming out of nowhere. It’s better now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t experience it anymore. I still do, and it’s really scary. Living with anxiety is super scary.

Other than existential crisis, a lot of things spread from that. You get sad for no reason, or depressed, thinking about what you have been doing in your life and if you have any purpose in life at all.

“Am I doing something right, right now?” “What would my 24 year old me say seeing me in such state?” “Why are you so desperate and out of it?” and so on.

Society thinks we are overreacting and it’s just a phase, but it’s not. I have had it for 5 years, did you think it could go away by itself? No. I wish it could, but it couldn’t.

I am afraid. I am very afraid. Of keeping this talk real. But I have to get it off my chest. I can’t suffer alone anymore. It’s tiring. It suffocates you.

I know I have too many worries. But I couldn’t help it. Sometimes I think I’m too complicated to understood. And in some ways, it’s true.

I’ve been praying to God to seek some answers, and I haven’t gotten it yet. I am not giving up though. Living with anxiety every day kills you. I am not ashamed of it. In fact, I am tired of getting bombarded by these thoughts internally. And I believe the are people who feels like me too.

I mean,

A lot of people need to be aware. Like, it’s not just small things like worrying if I could go to a prestigious university or not, it’s a lot more than that.

It’s a battle within yourself.