Word-bound

It’s been?

A month?

Two months?

Since I’ve last updated.

Life has been…… dynamic, I’d say.

It’s not necessarily happy, but also not sad either. It’s in between. I am adjusting, trying to adapt with uni life. Even though university hasn’t even started yet. It’s hard. Rather than homesick, I feel empty?

That kind of longing, it came back.

The feeling itself is indescribable. You feel like you want to cry, but you can’t. That is just one of that moment when suddenly reality hits you. When you realised how alone you are. When even if you know what’s right and wrong, what you are supposed and not supposed to do, you ended up doing it anyway. Inevitable.

Or maybe I am just stubborn.

I can’t even write properly, but I still did anyway, right?

I guess it was never a phase in the first place. It happens. Shit happens for time to time. And all you gotta do is suck it up. Accept the truth.

That’s why you need an anchor. And for me, my God is my anchor. These days I have forgotten just how much I miss God’s presence in my life. I have been busy, been so occupied that suddenly it all comes back to me, the realisation that I need to come back to God. So I did.

I don’t know what my life would be without God. I have been broken again and again and God’s love is the only thing keeping me alive. I know His promise is real and He’s always there. We are the ones who need to actively searching for Him.

FYI, I have been listening to Glimmer in The Dust by Hillsong United for a while now, and the lyrics really speaks to me. When I first heard it in Hillsong Bali, I just became so overwhelmed. I need to be reminded by God’s unfailing love. At times like this, when problem strikes, when I feel empty and lonely, God’s word helps me to get through the day. The storm and suffering in life, it all happened so we can grow in faith. My faith is growing everyday with God, life with God is no smooth waters. In fact, it gets harder each time. But that when your faith is tested.

He wants us to be, not hothouse plants, but storm-beaten oaks; not sand dunes driven with every gust of wind, but granite rocks withstanding the fiercest storms. To make us such He must needs bring us into His testing room of suffering. Many of us need no other argument than our own experiences to prove that suffering is indeed God’s testing room of faith.
–J. H. McC

God never leaves you alone. He wants you to come back to Him. To not rely on people, or even yourself. This is really important to know, because we are nothing without God. God wants us to rely to Him. To put Him first.

Life with God is no smooth waters, but it’s a fulfilling one.

Everyday is indeed a struggle for me. It’s even harder for believers, but always remember, God’s love will never let you down.

Enjoy every season of your life, it will pass.

The sermon last week hits me hard. The preacher reminds me that our identity is Him, is way bigger than our position in life. We do not need to seek for other’s approval, we only need to look at Him and connect with God. God is always accepting with an open arms. Don’t be insecure, never forget our identity in Him.

So,

Come as you are 🙂

 

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Bad Habits

 Hey guys.

Today is the last day of June. Thank God I’ve mustered all my willpower to finally write a blog post (yes, to keep up my promise of updating at least once a month, which is imho very hard to do lmao) at 2 freaking am in the morning.

A lot of life updates here, y’all.

1 month has passed by quickly, and there are a lot of things I can’t wait to tell you.

First was camp. It was my last camp in JPCC Youth, of course I still could attend but probably as a volunteer since I graduated this year. God gave me so many big chances: I stood as an MC, sang, became the house captain, shoot videos and lastly, preached for five minutes. God’s grace has shown to be very true since I didn’t really prepare much for my “five minutes preaching“, like literally writing it two days before camp when you are given three weeks deadline. I ended up having trouble sleeping for two nights at camp and kept on changing the drafts, even until the very end. I got so little sleep that I ended up oversleeping thus missing the youth battle moments. But still, not really regretting it since I wasn’t that excited. HAHA getting old aren’t I?

Thankfully I managed to preach without feeling nervous, mostly speaking in impromptu, eventually the notes I’ve written an hour before going up remained untouched. This is so me to be honest, I always felt nervous and incapable before going up stage, but I don’t feel any stage frights after I went up on stage, I enjoyed every bit of it. In the end, I ended having a sore throat on camp that speaking on stage became difficult, and I have to find replacement because I volunteered the next day (what happened to my stamina lol).

For the past few weeks before my SBMPTN announcement, my anxiety creeped back, it was really bad that I couldn’t sleep nor eat properly, and it got to the point where it drove me crazy, even when I was binge-watching Produce 101 late at night. The attacks always come in the most random of times, but it has quite calmed down now. As for the result for the announcement, I opened SIMAK UI’s result on camp, remember when I say I overslept? I ended up staying at the villa until its time for the selection’s announcement.

And yeah, I didn’t get in.

It hurt a lot at first, since frankly, I was rejected by UI 4 times. The rejection struck deeply, but now I am more accepting about it, I guess. My path is not there anymore, and being persistent about it won’t change anything. God has laid out another beautiful plan for me, I got into Public Relations major in UNPAD through SBMPTN. Well, I was happy, this was not what I originally intended, but deep down I have always known that I was going to get this. I don’t know why, my instincts keep telling me that. Should that His will be done. Besides, it such a shame that I wasted more than 1 million rupiahs trying to get into UI, when, well, what happened, happened. Just gotta move forward, right?

Now, I felt grateful because I know not a lot of people could get into PTN, the probability is like 14%, so I didn’t want to blame God or anything. Knowing me, I am a very indecisive person. I remember wanting to go study abroad and ended up choosing to take PTN instead because I want to help my parents. At least I have accomplished that. I did sacrifice a lot of things to ease their burdens, so I hope I could help them and make them proud this time. I have a big dream you know, plus I could always search for scholarships in my uni, Korean scholarships, to be exact, and I have to work hard to achieve that dream.

Regarding me moving to Bandung, I am actually very happy with this turnout of events. I know I have to leave a lot of things behind and start anew, but this is what’s the best for me. Because honestly, I prayed to God that I wanted to have a fresh beginning in life, while not having to worry about everything too much, and this is God’s answer for me. I moved out from home but still feels close to home (c’mon, Bandung isn’t even far okay) so I am very excited, but also super nervous. Lets just see how it went though, I am pretty sure I could survive the college life after 12 years of complicated school dramas. This is exactly what I needed right now. In order to grow, we have to take a big step sometimes. Take risks, challenges, test yourself, because believe me, we are more than able. I still get scared about a lot of things in life, but we have to move forward, being anxious over things won’t get you anywhere, it doesn’t solve your problems either, so I figured that it’s pointless and I should tackle the problem head down. Everything is going to be okay. It always is.

Another important life update is I have been getting obsessed with Produce 101 lately. Or K-Pop, in more general terms. I was so busy in high school that I kinda lost interest in K-Pop, but now that I am as free as a bird, I’ve been channeling my inner K-Pop vibes harder than ever. I get easily bored, so I wonder how could I survive loving K-Pop for 8 years, but I did anyway, so yeah, I could never part away. It’s like a black hole gurl.

I spent the early days of vacation to stan NCT (go watch NCT Live if you haven’t!!!!), when I told myself I wasn’t gonna stan anymore groups, too many for me, but indeed, I fell into the trap again. I’ve been loving NCT and GOT7, as well as yeah, my newest obsession, WANNA ONE. Seriously though I need to stop fangirling. I even opened up my twitter account again after like, 3/4 years? Better get use of that opportunity wisely. You guys should really watched Produce 101 btw. Now, I don’t really care if people called me weird with loving K-Pop, they gave me happiness and I never regretted loving it. Not even once. So, let me go back and spazz WANNA ONE (if you’re wondering, my bias is Kang Daniel at the moment, pls hope I am loyal because its hard stanning too many biases at once orz) on social medias.

I am doing all things that make me happy nowadays. To the point of having little to no sleep, there were times where I only slept for an hour then binging it every time I can, mostly in the car or taking long naps after my schedule is done (now I know how Idols must have been feeling, the mood-swings are seriously real, how could they function normally despite that will forever be the greatest mystery of all time). Likewise, I am planning to go to South Korea this year. That’s why I’ve been working hard to mastering my Korean knowledge and dieting (motivation at its best). I once told myself if I were to go abroad, the first stamp on my passport would be South Korea. I held true for that promise for years and I sincerely hope that it could finally be coming true 🙂

Lastly, I have a dream of working there. I know it’s not impossible and I know I can do it. I have been self-taught learning Korean and making use the most of holidays to do something productive so support me guys? I love you all and see you on my next blog post!

Love,

C.