Some people are afraid to show the real them to the world. They are afraid to be judged for their insecurities, or things that might seem petty to others. But, I’m here to show people otherwise.
Let’s talk about my worries.
I have a very bad anxiety. It’s not exactly rocket science, though sometimes I do wander if I have General Anxiety Disorder. I never go to a psychologist to be diagnosed, and frankly, I felt like the stigma arounds mental health is still yet to be broken. It does bother with my day to day activity, I get anxiety attacks a lot, yes, it does make my mind go crazy, but I can’t really do anything about it. I don’t know how.
As if having that is not enough, I also think about my existence from time to time. Existential crisis, they say. I shivers a lot when I think about it, and to tell you the truth, it was the number one reason why I used to stop going to church. I am so scared. I am so scared thinking what might happen ahead of me, even the thought of it makes me shivers so bad. Thinking about the afterlife, what happens if I die, is life really eternal, reincarnation and all that jazz.
It first happens on 8th grade. Then, the anxiety seems to be even worse after that. Right now, I always try my best to take off my mind, but they seem to be coming out of nowhere. It’s better now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t experience it anymore. I still do, and it’s really scary. Living with anxiety is super scary.
Other than existential crisis, a lot of things spread from that. You get sad for no reason, or depressed, thinking about what you have been doing in your life and if you have any purpose in life at all.
“Am I doing something right, right now?” “What would my 24 year old me say seeing me in such state?” “Why are you so desperate and out of it?” and so on.
Society thinks we are overreacting and it’s just a phase, but it’s not. I have had it for 5 years, did you think it could go away by itself? No. I wish it could, but it couldn’t.
I am afraid. I am very afraid. Of keeping this talk real. But I have to get it off my chest. I can’t suffer alone anymore. It’s tiring. It suffocates you.
I know I have too many worries. But I couldn’t help it. Sometimes I think I’m too complicated to understood. And in some ways, it’s true.
I’ve been praying to God to seek some answers, and I haven’t gotten it yet. I am not giving up though. Living with anxiety every day kills you. I am not ashamed of it. In fact, I am tired of getting bombarded by these thoughts internally. And I believe the are people who feels like me too.
A lot of people need to be aware. Like, it’s not just small things like worrying if I could go to a prestigious university or not, it’s a lot more than that.
It’s a battle within yourself.